The Mockingjay of District 13
by Julia101
Summary: Peeta and Gale are gone. I am still here. I am still alive. Why? What makes me deserve this life more than they do? Oh right, because I am the mockingjay - the symbol of a rebellion I never wanted to be a part of. The only thing I want to do is save them.
1. Chapter 1

**The Mockingjay of District 13**

*** Sequel to Running Right Into The Fire. It is suggested that you read that before this as many things will not make sense. Enjoy!**

* * *

District 13 is my home now.

But I don't know if home is the right word. My family is there, my mother and Prim. They are safe there and I am eternally grateful for that. But I did not grow up there. I did not make memories there. It is nothing to me.

Haymitch and Plutarch took me and Finnick there from the hovercraft. It turned out to be just one more thing that Haymitch had neglected to tell me and Peeta – that District 13 has been thriving underground since Panem attempted to wipe them off the map. That it was the base for a second rebellion, one that I was supposed to lead. Except I wouldn't really be the leader, just the puppet, a pawn. A figurehead for people to believe in. What a joke. I didn't even believe in myself.

I stand in the rubble of what used to be my home. I have walked through piles of bone dust, remains of all of the people dead because of me. Snow killed them because we all defied him once again. Because we dared to survive.

"You shouldn't be here sweetheart." I don't answer him or look at him. It has become difficult since he betrayed me. "We have to keep you alive."

I can't resist. "Because I'm the mockingjay, right?" I say bitterly. The word has become like acid in my mouth. "I have to be protected at all costs."

He snorts. "It's true Katniss. For as many people that want to die for you, there are so many who wouldn't hesitate in handing you over to Snow in a second." He kicks at a piece of rubble. "A lot of people are willing to die for you, like they were in the arena. You just have to give them something to die _for_."

Something to die for. Why should anyone else die for me? Why should they lose their lives just so I can live the half-existence I do now? I am not the mockingjay. I never was. They should have saved Peeta, and his words. He's the one who could convince everyone to follow him into battle. He's the one who could rouse the districts with an inspiring speech. I can't do that. And they all know I can't. They are just waiting to force words in my mouth. To make me something I am not.

"What are we doing Haymitch?" I ask, my eyes running over the ruins of the table where we used to sit for dinner. "It's been three weeks. Why don't we do something?"

He sighs, stumbling forward to stand next to me. "It's too risky Katniss. We need to wait for the right time."

"When's the right time?" I scream. "When they're both dead?"

Haymitch stands there, taking the brunt of my screaming. A few guards that I recognise from 13 enter from behind him. "You need to go back Katniss. Don't come here again," he says wearily. The guards behind him gesture for me to follow them and reluctantly I do. They bring me back to the hospital in 13, where my mother has been working since we relocated. When she sees me with the guards, she sighs.

"Did she escape again?" she asks, looking up from the patient she attends to.

One of the guards behind me nods. "She left her bed this morning and snuck out to 12. Again."

My mother's eyes fill with sympathy. I shrug at her, no explanation coming to me. She knows me. She knows that no matter what they all tell me, I will not listen to any of them. 12 will always have a part of me.

"Just – just take her back to her bed," my mother says quietly. She reaches for my hand as I pass and our palms graze against each other's. She doesn't understand my need to return to a place with so many bad memories but that doesn't mean she will not sympathise with me. It does not mean she doesn't love me and want only the best for me.

They take me back to my room, where Finnick is sitting on my bed. The way his legs are crossed, I can see up his nightgown – a view I never really wanted to see.

I put my hands over my eyes. "Put your legs down Finnick," I tell him.

"Oh sorry," he says absentmindedly, lowering his legs. I peek through my eyes to make sure the coast is clear before going to my bed. I give him a shove and he takes the hint, climbing off and going to the seat in the corner. I stretch out on my bed, my head against my pillow and stare up at the ceiling.

"Break out again?" he asks.

"Yep," I answer. I hook myself slowly back up to all the machines I am supposed to be plugged into twenty four/seven. My morphling drip. The heart rate monitor. The needle that forces nutrients into me that I haven't been getting; I've been refusing the slop they serve us here in 13, despite my mother and Prim's begging. I'd rather live off the raw animals Gale and I used to hunt back in 12.

All of my burns and wounds are pretty much healed. The doctors here in 13 stitched up my arm and forehead, though they didn't do as good a job that the doctors in the Capitol would have done. Not that I care. They were originally going to just sew up my side too but they realised I had caught an infection so they had to perform an emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder. That was three days after we landed in 13.

"You know they're just gonna catch you. Why do you do it?" he asks, his green eyes staring into space.

"The same reason why you cry Annie's name in your sleep. You need her. I need 12."

"You don't need 12 Katniss," he says in reply. "You need Peeta and Gale back."

He's right but I don't say a thing. We make a good pair, Finnick and I. Both of us are stark crazy, broken by the disappearances of those we love. The Capitol has Peeta, Gale and Annie in their grasps, along with Johanna and Enobaria. Both of us are desperate to get them back but no one seems to understand that, except us.

"What do you think they're doing with them?" he asks after a moment of silence.

Torturing them. Causing them horrific pain. Because of us. Because of our defiance.

Finnick buries his head in his hands, not waiting for an answer, tears falling through his fingers. "Oh Annie. I'm so sorry Annie."

I feel for Finnick. I may be a little messed up but he's been toyed with by The Capitol a lot longer than I have. He's completely lost his mind, been a totally different person since we came back. It's like the person I met in the arena was just a mask. He is really the lost little boy who won the Games so long ago. He's the young man who fell in love with the girl he was to mentor, to keep alive. He's the man who is now haunted by losing her.

I unplug myself from my needles and hop off my bed to stand by Finnick, rubbing his shoulders as he cries, hunched over in his lap. I am not good at this comforting thing. If Peeta or Prim were here, they would know what to say, what to do. Finnick stands suddenly, and wraps me up in a huge hug. He actually manages to lift me off the ground and I let him squeeze me as tight as he wants, despite the ache in my body. "I miss her so much Katniss," he whispers, and I can feel his tears dropping into my hair.

"I know," I whisper back, and he holds me for a very long time.

* * *

When Finnick has been taken back to his own bed, I curl up under the covers. I do not sleep. I cannot, because Peeta is waiting under my eyelids. Gale is waiting, to scream at me that it is all my fault that they took him. That he would be better off if I had never met him.

A couple of hours pass in the blink of an eye. Then someone is pulling back the curtain, peering in curiously at me. It is Hazelle Hawthorne.

I haven't seen her since Haymitch informed me that her and her family had been some of the survivors that made it out of 12. In truth, I hoped I wouldn't have to face her after her son had been taken essentially because of me.

"I'm not bothering you, am I?" she asks quietly. I shake my head and she enters hesitantly, settling into a chair beside my bed. She looks different since I last saw her. Her face is rounder, her body fuller. She has been well fed here in 13.

I don't know where to start. I'm not sure if I can. We sit in awkward silence, Hazelle intertwining her fingers together and me sitting up in bed, pretending to readjust my pillows.

"How are you feeling?" she finally asks, a hint of a smile on her face.

"Better," I say, though right now I feel like I could pass out or vomit. Or both.

"Good, good." I take a deep breath in. Any minute now she's going to mention Gale or the baby and I am not going to know what to say. What answer can I give that will satisfy her?

"I hate to ask you Katniss, I – I really do but….." I close my eyes as she trails off, my breathing becoming shaky. "I need to talk about Gale."

There it is.

"You don't have to say anything," she says quickly. "You can just nod or shake your head and I'll talk." Sounds like a plan. I'm not sure I could form coherent words anyway.

She stares down at her hands and I wait for her first question, my eyes still closed. "The baby – was it Gale's?"

My heart picks up speed in my chest. Slowly, I nod my head up and down. I hear a tiny cry escape Hazelle's throat and my eyes open. She is struggling not to cry. She sees me staring at her and reaches out for my hand. "I'm sorry about the miscarriage," she says and I bite back a sob. Her sorry is most unnecessary. I do not deserve it.

"It's okay," I say in a voice barely above a whisper. "It's okay."

She sniffs and seems to regain her composure. "Did you – do you love my son?"

It feels like someone has punched me in the stomach, taken all of the wind out of me. A nod or a shake of my head will not suffice. I must tell her. Explain to her how I broke her son's heart.

"I don't know if I did," I say softly. "He means so much to me but he's just – he's not – "

"He's not Peeta," she finishes and I cannot even look at her anymore. My hand slips from hers and I retreat to the farthest side of my bed as I can. Any minute she's going to start yelling at me for destroying her son.

But she doesn't. She throws her head back over her chair and breaths loudly through her mouth, processing everything. "He was practically ripping the house apart when he saw you and Peeta together on television," she says quietly, and there is an hard edge to her voice. "Did you ever think about him for a moment while you were in there? While you miscarried his baby? While you kissed Peeta?"

"Stop," I beg her, closing my palms over my ears. This is worse than yelling. The quiet, measured anger and disappointment in a woman I have always respected. All of my nightmares flood back to me – Gale and Peeta screaming in pain, begging to be killed, mutts tearing at their skin. I start to thrash in my bed as the images become too hard to push out. I hear footsteps and Hazelle is being pushed out of the room by all the doctors and nurses that swarm in. They're holding me down but I won't stop struggling. I won't stop fighting.

"Peeta!" I scream, the word I have left unspoken for the last few months releasing from my throat like it will not be held back any longer. "Gale! I'll save….so sorry….." They've injected me with something, words no longer fluidly coming out of my mouth. My vision begins to swim but I see Haymitch hovering over me, regarding me with pity. I lurch forward with my last inch of strength and grab at his shirt to hold myself up.

"I will never forgive you," I tell him before everything in me goes limp and I drop back down to my bed, sinking like a stone in the water.

* * *

My induced sleep is nightmare free, such a change from my usual night's sleep. I am coming to, my head still woozy when Finnick enters my room and tries to pull me out of bed.

"What are you doing?" I mumble, as he unhooks me and lifts me into his arms, carrying me from the room.

He barely looks down at me as he attempts to run down the hall holding me. "Ceaser Flickerman is on television. He's talking with Peeta and Gale."

* * *

**So, did you like it?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

At those words, my heads seems to become a whole lot clearer. Finnick is trying to hold me as carefully as possible, as not to hurt me. I look up at him as he speed walks down the hallway. His bronze hair is in disarray and patches of uneven stubble have broken out along his jaw. He looks positively wild. Anyone would be frightened of Finnick but I trust him completely.

We stop suddenly against the wall. It seems like the whole ward has emptied. There is only one nurse, and she sits at her desk, looking awfully bored. Her back is to us luckily and Finnick takes off.

"You can let me down now Finnick," I say. The jiggling in Finnick's arms is making me feel sick. I can feel most of the feeling returning to my legs so I think I could manage to walk without too much trouble. He glances down.

"You're still weak Katniss. That drug they gave you was strong." He says it like he knows from personal experience. I wonder how many times they've had to use such a strong tranquiliser on him.

"Well if you won't put me down, you could at least brush your teeth once in a while," I say as casually as possible. "Maybe use some mouthwash. Your breath stinks."

Finnick actually laughs and something like happiness takes over his face. I smile up at him. It's been so long since I heard such a sound, a sound of pure joy. No one laughs much around here. No one really has any reason to. But still, it's nice. Finnick deserves happiness more than anyone I know.

"Okay," he says with a grin, resting me down onto my feet slowly. "I'll think about it."

It turns out my legs are still a little weak but Finnick holds onto my side and we walk sluggishly until we reach a room. Finnick checks to see if the coast is clear before pushing me inside and closing the door behind us.

That tiny, fleeting second of joy disappears as we both remember what's going on. Peeta. Gale. Annie. The Capitol. We can never forget for too long.

Finnick goes to the television and fiddles with it until it turns on. "What is this place?" I ask.

"Break room," he answers just as the television springs to life. He turns back to me with a sad smile. "Lucky everyone is watching this downstairs not to disturb the patients."

He takes a seat next to me and pats the back of my hand briefly before drawing it back to his chin. I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them tight to keep myself from shuddering.

The Capitol theme plays quietly and I whisper to Finnick to turn it up. He does and the anthem dies out to be replaced by an image of Caesar Flickerman. I have to remind myself to stay calm because nothing's happened yet. Caesar talking with them means they are still alive. That's a good thing, right?

"Thank you for joining us tonight for this special Capitol broadcast," Caesar greets. He doesn't seem like his usual jovial self. There is something different in his face, in his voice. Is he just as unhappy at having to talk with Peeta and Gale?

"We have with us tonight, two very special guests. Let's welcome them out now." The camera cuts to an image of Peeta and Gale walking out onto the stage. I actually stumble out of my chair, fall onto my knees and scramble to the television. I touch the screen, tracing the outline of Peeta's body. He is dressed in a fine blue suit that matches his eyes, his blonde hair slicked back expertly. Beside him, Gale walks tall. He is wearing a charcoal shirt and dress pants and if I know him, and I do, he is not happy about these fine Capitol clothes. Both are their faces are grim, serious, and I am suddenly scared for what they will say on live television – about me.

I feel Finnick's hand on my shoulder and I move back away from the television but I don't climb back into my seat, instead just staying sprawled on the floor.

They both sit down opposite Caesar, careful to keep a distance between themselves. It is obvious that these hardships have not brought them closer. "Now you all know the charming Peeta but you might be unfamiliar with this boy sitting right next to him," says Caesar, nodding his head at Gale. Gale looks resentful of being called a boy when he is legally a man and possesses the physique of one but a cool smile spreads on his face. "This strapping young gentleman is Gale Hawthorne, from District 12. Why don't you tell the people about yourself Gale?"

Gale shrugs. Next to him Peeta tenses. "Not much to tell you really."

"Oh come on now, that's not true. This here is Katniss Everdeen's cousin."

Gale grimaces for a second. Peeta's fists tighten and so does my chest. Any second now, they could make them tell the whole world that Peeta and I have been living a lie. If they crush the idea of the star crossed lovers that the rebellion have been pinning their hopes on, they could destroy us all.

They could crush the rebellion with a single master stroke.

"Let's talk with you first Peeta," Caesar says. "I must say, I never thought we'd be talking ever again."

"You're not the only one," Peeta replies evenly. Next to him, Gale is staring off into the audience. He looks exactly like I did the first time I sat on that couch – overawed, even a little scared at all the people staring back.

"Everyone could see that you were willing to sacrifice your life for Katniss and your child's. Did that change when Katniss miscarried?"

I stop mid-breath. My eyes are frozen on Gale. He looks like he is trying to tear through his gums with his teeth by the way his jaw has locked together. Peeta's eyes flicker ever so briefly Gale's way but Gale continues to stare off into the distance. The audience is so silent it is like they aren't even there.

"The miscarriage was….difficult " Peeta eventually answers, clasping his hands together. "It definitely put a strain on our…..relationship but we've been through a lot together. History that can't be forgotten."

Finnick thumps me on the back and I rapidly suck in a few breaths. I instantly begin to dissect Peeta's answer. His answer was very carefully worded. In some ways, he has said that yes, he was still willing to die for me. But there is enough in his comments to put doubt in the mind of the audience about Peeta and I. Snow has done this deliberately, taunting me, showing me that he can put words in Peeta's mouth. That he controls what Peeta says now.

"Now you both obviously love her - " _You have no idea Caesar _" – and care for her. We all know that Katniss was picked up by the rebels. What are your thoughts?"

Peeta and Gale share a quick glance. I'm not sure if anyone else sees it but I know Gale so well it is hard not to. A muscle in his face twitches and his fingers curl under the ridge of the couch.

"We have nothing to say Caesar. We don't know any more about this rebellion than you do. For all you know, they could be forcing her into doing what they want. She might not be there by choice."

"We just want Katniss to do the right thing," Gale says quietly. But like Peeta, his answers are ambiguous. 'The right thing' could be anything. "We just want this war to end."

There is a round of polite applause. Gale gazes down into his lap and Peeta rubs his face. "Are we done Caesar? We're both very tired."

"We are. Have a well-deserved break you two." Caesar turns to the camera. "This concludes our special broadcast."

The screen fades to black and some propaganda about the impending war plays. Finnick turns it off and we sit there in silence. I hang my head between my knees, hiding the tears pouring out of me. They're okay. For now.

I barely register Finnick wrapping his arms around me, lifting me to my feet and dragging me back to my bed.

* * *

"Wake up Catnip." My eyes open straight away and I see Gale staring down at me those Grey seam eyes of his, and handsomely chiselled face.

"Gale!" I reach my arms up, to throw them around him in a hug but he disappears into the air before I can touch him. I lurch to my feet. I am on the Games interview stage, the one where I have sat many times before. In the seat where Caesar is usually found, Peeta rests, his legs folded over one another.

I rush towards him without another word, throwing myself into his lap. Unlike Gale, he does not fall through my fingers like nothing. He is real. I can feel him; feel his breath against my skin, his fingers as they run down my arm. I dip my head forward and press my lips to his, kissing him as hard and long as I can. But during the kiss, I feel something change. I open my eyes and find that Peeta has changed into Gale. I jump off of him as quickly as I can, falling back into the floor. Gale smirks down at me.

"What's the matter Catnip? Cat got your tongue?" he asks, poking his own tongue out at me. Peeta appears out of nowhere, bending down next to me. He takes my hand in his and gently kisses my forehead.

"I love you Peeta. It's you," I whisper into his shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gale roll his eyes.

Peeta pulls back, staring at me sadly as he twirls a piece of my dark hair around one of his fingers. He doesn't say 'I love you too.' He doesn't tell me how much he misses me, how he's counting down the days until he can be with me again. He just says, 'I know.'

And I feel empty.

* * *

I wake up in a sweat, Peeta's words ringing in my ears. There is a shadow in the corner, watching me, and for a crazy second, I think it is Peeta. But then I see the flash and glint of glass and I relax into my bed.

"Watching me sleep is damn creepy," I mutter viciously.

"Well someone needs to keep an eye on you sweetheart," Haymitch answers, sipping from his glass. "Seems you can't do what you're told."

"Neither can you, seeing as I told you to save Peeta," I retort, snuggling deeper into my covers.

"I know you saw it Katniss." I go still under the quilt, my heart fluttering in my chest. "I may be drunk but I ain't stupid. You've been crying in your sleep for the last ten minutes, muttering his name nonstop."

I reach up to touch my face, and sure enough, my skin is wet with tears. I remember how Peeta used to whisper my name in his sleep before we went back into the Games again.

"You want me to say I'm sorry?" he asks suddenly. "You want me to beg for forgiveness?"

"Yes."

"Fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put your life before Peeta's, when he was the best of all of us. When he deserves to live more than we both do. You happy now?"

No. Maybe. A little. "I won't be happy until we save them. Why aren't you doing anything?"

Haymitch sighs in the darkness and I can see him stretch out his legs until they are resting on the foot of my bed. "It's not because I don't want to, trust me it's not. Plutarch's on our side but he can't do anything unless Coin approves. She has the last call."

I grit my teeth. Of course. President Coin, the president of District 13, hasn't exactly taken a shine to me. She came to see me once when I first arrived, to gauge where I stood on the whole mockingjay thing. I didn't answer, asking her instead when she was going to send someone out to The Capitol to rescue Peeta and Gale. She left the room and hasn't come back to see me since.

"Then I'll go myself." This plan is stupid and I am well aware of that but right now it is all I have. "You can come too if you want," I throw in, because I know that despite what Haymitch has done, he is the only one around here who cares about Peeta as much as I do.

"Tell me, do you really think getting senselessly killed is the way to go? Do you really think it would make Peeta happy to know you got killed trying to save him on a suicide mission?"

It would make him incredibly angry. He'd probably curse me. But that doesn't change anything. "We have to save them."

"I know. And we will. He's not going to kill them."

"Yet."

"He needs them alive to get to you Katniss," Haymitch points out. "They're no use to him dead."

One of them is. That's why Snow took them both. He knows he could afford to kill one of them and still have use for the other. He knows that Gale has the potential to destroy the whole star-crossed lovers angle that the rebellion have been pushing. He knows too much.

Haymitch throws back the last contents of his glass and gives a small cough. I lie there for a while, trying to come up with rescue plans that don't mean my imminent death. My hazy recollection of the day before comes back to me and I pull myself up and out from underneath my thick blankets. "Hazelle. I should – I should talk to her."

"That's not wise at the moment. You need to rest. There will be plenty of time to talk with her later."

"Haymitch – "

"Don't argue Katniss. Do you know they were close to letting you go back to live with your mother and Prim before yesterday's episode?"

No, I didn't know that. They've kept me in the hospital for the whole three weeks since we got here, without even so much as a mention of when they might let me out. And to think, I was so close to getting out of here…

"If you ever want to get out of this hospital, you have to keep a low profile."

And so I bite my tongue and nod. "Fine."

"Go back to sleep Katniss," he says wearily, leaning back in his chair as if he is going to drift off into sleep too.

I say nothing more and for the rest of the night, we pretend to sleep.

* * *

Somewhere in the course of the night, I fall asleep and Haymitch disappears from my room. When I wake, my room is lit up and there is a new visitor sitting next to me. Prim smiles at me and I smile back at her.

"Hey little duck," I say, sitting up in bed. I move aside and pat the mattress, inviting her to join me. She does, hopping up next to me and we share a brief hug. She's gotten so tall since I last saw her. Her blonde hair, tied back in a neat braid, is a little longer. She's growing up so much and I've been missing it.

"How are you feeling Katniss?" she asks as she leans into me and I stroke her hair; it is almost like a memory of the past. When she would have a bad dream and I would sing her back to sleep, rocking her till she fell asleep. Except these days, though I hold her, she is the one comforting me.

"Never better," I lie, and it does not go unnoticed. She lifts her head and raises her eyebrows at me. "I'm fine Prim," I reiterate.

"Liar," she says, slinking back down next to me. I say nothing. Prim can see right through me, like Haymitch can. Like Peeta can for most of the time.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" I ask. For those under sixteen here in District 13, they attend school though it is really just a way to train them for this war. They teach them about the dark days, and the games, and they show them how to run and hide. How to defend themselves. Just in case.

"Day off," she answers. "Actually Haymitch sent me."

"What are you doing hanging around Haymitch little duck?" I ask with a grin. "You might catch drunk."

"You can't catch drunk," she says with a roll of her eyes and I make an exaggerated noise of realisation, elbowing her playfully in the ribs. Joking like this seems effortless before the reality of our lives eventually hits me in the back of the head, just like the wire Johanna used to knock me out in the Quell.

"Anyway, Haymitch told me to tell you that they're letting you out for today. President Coin wants to see you."

Ah, so the president's getting desperate. She's avoided me all this time but last night's broadcast probably made her realise she can't afford to waste any more time letting me recover. She has to put me out there as the mockingjay as soon as she can.

"When?"

Prim checks the clock hanging on the wall. "In about fifteen minutes. I brought you some clothes." I follow her gaze to a pair of comfy blue trousers and a simple long sleeve cotton tee. She bought the least gaudy thing that they've put in my wardrobe. Bless her.

"Good luck," she says, kissing the top of my forehead before climbing off the bed and leaving me. After I have changed, and fixed the braid that has been in my hair for several days, I head down the hall to Finnick's room. He is sitting upright in bed, wide awake, utterly still. He smiles when he sees me.

"You busy Finnick?"

"Do I look busy?" he asks, gesturing to himself and the very apparent lack of action happening.

"Good," I say. "Ditch the robe and find some clothes. We've got places to go and people to see."

* * *

A guard arrives at my room to take me to Coin. He doesn't say a thing about Finnick joining us, probably knowing that I would refuse to go if he didn't accompany us. Finnick walks in a stilted, unorthodox way, something I did not notice last night. It is probably from the electric shock that we all received in the arena when the force field blew up.

He takes us to a room a couple of levels down and we enter. Coin is sitting at the head of a round table, and her eyes take us in as we enter. Plutarch and his assistant Fulvia and Haymitch are all there too along with a few others I don't recognise.

"We have matters to discuss Miss Everdeen," Coin says in a clipped, brusque tone. It is like all politicians talk and I hate it.

I stare at her for a moment. This is my chance. All the cards are in my hand right now and I have to use them before my bargaining chip before it disappears.

"I won't be your mockingjay."

"Excuse me?" Coin's tone adequately reflects her disbelief.

"I won't do a damn thing until you let me go save Peeta and Gale." I catch Finnick's eye. "And Annie," I throw in for his benefit. A few other names float to the surface. "And all of the other captured victors." So many other things I want clutter my head but I can ask for them later. The most important thing right now is guaranteeing Peeta and Gale's safety.

"You're hardly in a position to make demands – "

"Actually I think she is," Haymitch buts in and I feel a rush of gratitude towards him, despite myself. "We've been telling you for three weeks to send a rescue crew into The Capitol. If you want the mockingjay, the symbol of this rebellion, then I suggest you get right on that."

With that, he grabs both Finnick and me and herds us out of the room. When we are on the other side of the door, Haymitch releases a gruff sigh. "I'll be lucky if she ever lets me sneak in alcohol again," he mutters before taking off down the hallway.

Finnick and I stand on the other side of the doorway, staring at each other and listening hard for any sign that Coin will give into my demands. There is lots of hushed, furious muttering.

And then I hear Coin's unmistakable voice. "Told you we should have rescued the boy."


	3. Chapter 3

**hey, I know its been ages since my last update. I've just been busy but I sat down and got this out, so hope you enjoy it even if its a little short. Here you go.**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

In order to appease Haymitch, I do keep a low profile for the next few days. I don't sneak out, I don't create any trouble, I just lie in bed all day. Occasionally I visit Finnick down the hall, or my mother and Prim visit me but mostly I am alone. My night terrors do not fade though, but Haymitch stays with me most nights, sitting in the corner, half sleeping, half watching over me. He is the one to wake me up when I start to make too much noise or thrash too much. Though things between us are still tense, Haymitch defending me with Coin has helped dissolve the strain on our relationship. I appreciate him staying with me, because he knows that if the doctors find out about my attacks, they might not let me leave. So he keeps them under wraps and we simply don't talk about anything else.

Coin hasn't said a word to me since my demands, and I must admit that during all this time I've had to think, I've come up with more. I want to kill Snow. I want to be able to hunt. I hate being cooped up. The woods are where I can be myself, and not the version that anyone else wants me to be.

Four days later, my mother enters my room with a large smile and I know what this means – I am going home.

Prim welcomes me with open arms, helping me settle into my new room. There is a whole wardrobe of unfamiliar clothes but they don't seem too bad. My hunting jacket and my favourite pair of comfortable black slacks are still there. My mother makes sure I take my medications. Just as the three of us head to the dining hall for my first night back, Haymitch knocks on the door.

"Sorry to interrupt ladies," he says. "Just wanted to borrow Katniss for a moment."

Prim gives me a brief hug before dragging my mother from the apartment. I sigh, sitting down at the table. "What's going on?" I ask.

Haymitch sits opposite me, automatically pulling a flask from his pocket. "What makes you think something's going on?"

"We're too much alike. Peeta told me that once," I say wistfully. "So tell me what happened while I was in the hospital."

"Peeta and Gale were on TV again." I straighten at these words. I assumed Finnick would tell me if he saw something on television but maybe he hadn't seen it. Or maybe he had, and he was trying to protect me.

"What happened? Were they okay?"

Haymitch swirls his flask. "Peeta called for a ceasefire. He wanted to the war to stop."

"Ceasefire?" I run a hand through my damaged locks. They have grown out since we came here, filling out to a fuller length. I have a feeling that they've been giving me something for it. "He doesn't know what he's saying Haymitch."

"That's exactly what I told Coin."

"Is she sending a ship out?" I ask eagerly.

"There's a meeting today at four down in the conference room." He gets up to leave and gestures towards the door. I follow him out and down the stairs. Just as we reach the dining hall, he leans in, and in a hushed tone tells me, "You didn't hear that from me okay?"

I find the words confusing before it dawns on me. I'm not supposed to know about the meeting. Coin is discussing Peeta and Gale's rescue without me. Bet she'll hate it if I show up.

Haymitch leaves and I spot Prim and my mother at a nearby table. There is even someone else sitting with them. Finnick.

"They let you out Finnick?" I ask, slipping in beside Prim. She is watching Finnick with wide eyes and red cheeks and I recognise that look straight away. She must have a crush on him. I nudge her and she shushes me instantly.

"Only temporarily," he answers, sipping slowly at his bowl of soup. "Congratulations on getting to go hunting again."

I drop my spoon into my bowl. "What are you talking about?"

"I overheard Plutarch talking with someone. They're letting you out this afternoon."

I pick my spoon back up and take a hesitant sip. I didn't think Coin would give in so easily, especially with all the security measures around here. But after what Haymitch told me earlier, I don't doubt she has an ulterior motive. She wants me to be out when they have their special meeting.

"Wanna come with me Prim?"

"I've got reflection in the afternoon. Besides, the woods freak me out," she says with a giggle.

So I turn to Finnick because I know he doesn't have a schedule what with being in and out of the hospital. "What about you fish boy?"

Finnick pretends to think about it, scratching his chin. "Hmm, the only other thing I have on the agenda today is lying on the bed with a drip full of morphling. I think I can make the time."

Sure enough, Plutarch comes to see me later informing me that I will be given an hour for hunting. He gives me a communicuff and an ankle tracker. I am to stay within a two mile radius of District 13 and not stray. When I tell him that Finnick is coming with me, he does not seem too surprised. He gives Finnick the same spiel but before too long, we are rising to the surface. Haymitch hands me a bow and pouch of arrows just as we step out. He offers to get a weapon for Finnick but Finnick refuses. He probably knows how useless his trident would be out here.

Being in the woods makes me feel whole again. I keep low, my tread quiet in the soft grass. Finnick does no such thing, walking uncoordinatedly behind me. When he gets too loud, I motion for him to stop. He does and together we listen to the sounds of the woods. Then a loud squawk causes Finnick to fall over his own legs and go face first into the ground. A bird emerges from a tree and into the air but I'm laughing so hard that I can't manage to get a straight arrow off.

"What are you doing?" I wheeze, doubling over in laughter. My sling of arrows falls off my shoulder and it takes me a while until I can compose myself enough to pick them back up.

Finnick fixes me with a grimace. "We don't really have woods in District 4," he says, brushing a streak of dirt off his cheek. But I know he's had trouble with anything physical since the electric shock from the arena. "I could kick your butt in the ocean though," he adds, a hint of his old bravado returning to his voice.

"We're not in the ocean," I point out, gesturing around. "So I guess you're a fish out of water."

He groans at my lame joke and I manage a smile too. It is nice to spend time with someone, and not worry about what they are thinking or feeling. If I was with Gale or Peeta right now, I would be constantly scrutinising every word, every touch, every stare. With Finnick, I know that I have to worry about none of that because he is completely and hopelessly in love with Annie Cresta.

Thinking about the two of them causes a pang in my stomach that quickly stops our joking.

I manage to hit a few squirrels and birds. It is not like my usual haul but hunting does wonders for my mental health. Already, I feel like I can breathe easier out here. My eyes are sharper, my body agilely moving through the trees. I know my muscles will ache later but I don't even care.

"What's the time?" I ask him after a while.

He checks his communicuff. "Nearly four. We've still got half an hour left."

I shake my head, already moving back to the electrified fence. Finnick easily keeps pace with me, despite my head start. "We have to go back now. They're having a meeting about the rescue mission."

"But why would they send us out here if…." He trails off as we slip under the fence and head back to the District 13 entrance. "We weren't invited where we?"

I throw my head back to give him a quick smile. "Of course not Finnick."

His eyebrows rise into his thick bronze hair. "I'm offended."

"You should be."

* * *

We head to the conference room downstairs and I'm surprised to see that there are no guards at the door. Finnick opens it for me and I storm in, stamping my feet loud enough to make a proper entrance.

Everyone stops their conversation to stare at me, surprise evident on their faces. Except Coin. She doesn't look she's surprised at all.

"We weren't expecting to see you here Katniss." Her eyes go to Haymitch, who is looking away pointedly.

"I'll bet," I answer. My hands are still tight around my bow. I probably should have left it back upstairs because they might view me as a threat with it. But I feel safer with it in my hands.

"This doesn't concern you Katniss. No matter what you say, we will not allow you to go."

"I'm going," I say automatically. All of a sudden there are protests, coming at me from every angle. Haymitch is surprisingly silent. Coin silences them all with a wave of her hand. I am amazed by the power she wields over them all.

Her answer is crisp, concise. "No."

No one dares to speak again. Coin and I stare each other down, as if we are the only two people in the room. I wonder who will blink first, who will break. I am determined not to let it be me.

"Stop me," I dare.

The two guards flanking her descend on me. My bow goes up automatically, arrow primed and ready. They both stop, probably because they've seen what I can do in the arena. Finnick tenses beside me. I can see his hand reaching out and then I feel it on my arm.

"Come on Katniss," he whispers. "You don't need to do this."

But I do. There is no way they're going anywhere without me. Peeta and Gale are both in this mess because of me. I have to be the one to save them from Snow's clutches. I won't be able to forgive myself if they don't let me go and they don't get them back.

"Think carefully about what you do next Katniss. Mockingjay or not, there might be no going back if you do something stupid now."

My hands start to shake around my bow. Slowly I lower it. I chuck it at the feet of one of the guards and spin on my heels to leave the room. I make sure no one sees my tears as I fly up the staircase and back up to our apartment. I slam the door shut and sink to the floor, my head buried in my lap. I sit there for a long time, choking back sobs. Ten minutes later, when I have regained some of my composure, there is a knock at the door. I'm expecting it to be Haymitch or even Prim coming to see how I am. But when I open the door, it is not at all who I expect it to be.

"Hi," I say, wiping away the evidence of my tears with the back of my hand. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."


	4. Chapter 4

**Been far too long since last update but I'm glad I got it out. Enjoy! P.S don't think anyone guessed correctly who was at the door :P**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

"Hi," I say, wiping away the evidence of my tears with the back of my hand. "I wasn't expecting to ever see you again."

Madge Undersee smiles at me, her limp blonde hair falling around her face. "Can't say I was expecting to see you either after the quell." She reaches a hand out to me and I give it a squeeze. We have never been those kinds of people to be overly affectionate with each other so this simple squeeze of our hands is an adequate show of friendship.

I gesture for her to follow me in and she does. I offer her a drink but she declines, taking a seat at the table. "I'm sorry I didn't come see you in the hospital. I thought you might have enough to deal with."

"You could say that," I tell her with a smile. We sit there for a while, comfortable in the silence. Our friendship is still kind of new, unfamiliar to us both. Slowly, we start to talk like we never have. I pretend she's Peeta or Gale – someone I can tell absolutely anything to. If we're being honest, I'm kind of low on friends right now and I'll take anyone I can get. Finnick has become my confidant of late but he's damaged enough as it is. I tell Prim as much as I can but I want to keep her innocence for as long as possible, though it's proving quite difficult in this war.

"I heard you didn't make it out," I say, realising only seconds later how blunt I sound. But Madge being Madge already knows how I am and she just gives a small, bitter kind of smile.

"I almost didn't. My parents saved my life. They're both dead now."

"I'm sorry," I say. It comes out like an automatic response but it doesn't take away any of its meaning.

"It's okay," she says, but the way she stares into her lap, and presses together her lips makes me convinced that she is holding back a sea of tears. "I have my life. My freedom." She looks back up, and her face is different. Harder. Fiercer. "Some people don't have even that."

I think of Gale and Peeta and I'm sure she does as well. They have their lives – for now – but their freedom is squarely in the hands of President Snow.

"They'll be okay Katniss," she says knowingly.

"How do you know?"

"I don't know. I just have faith." She sounds so sure when she says it. But I stopped believing in things like faith and hope a while ago. Right around the time both Gale and Peeta were taken.

The front door opens and it's Haymitch this time, and Finnick is with him. "Am I interrupting?"

"No, it's okay. I was just going." Madge stands up, politely bowing her head at Haymitch. "I'll see you around Katniss."

"Don't be a stranger," I tell her and she gives me a small smile as she leaves. I turn to Haymitch. "What do you want?"

"Don't give me attitude sweetheart," he says and I roll my eyes. "Coin is willing to forget your little indiscretion this morning if you get a head start on the propos."

"Propos?" Finnick asks, cocking his head.

"They're just videos to inspire the rebellion," I explain. "And I'm guessing the only reason she's making me do these is to distract me while she sends a rescue ship out for Peeta and Gale, right?"

Haymitch sighs. "Try not to do anything stupid today, okay?"

"I make no promises."

We head downstairs where they have a huge sound stage set up. Plutarch and his assistant Fulvia are waiting for us along with some makeup people, a couple of cameramen and a woman in a suit. She comes up to me straight away, shaking my hand enthusiastically.

She introduces herself as Cressida. "I'm a director from The Capitol. These are my cameramen, Castor and Pollux." They both nod to me and I try to appear enthusiastic. But it's really hard. I already feel drained and we haven't even started yet.

Fulvia comes bustling over to me, clicking her tongue. "We told you to get her into some nice clothes Haymitch." For a scary moment, she sounds like Effie.

"If you want to try and tell her what to do, be my guest," Haymitch says and Finnick grins beside me.

Fulvia reconsiders and retreats back to Plutarch's side. She's very much like an annoying puppy dog. I never thought I'd say this but she actually makes me miss Effie.

I look down. I'm wearing a nice pair of black corduroy pants and my father's hunting jacket over a singlet. I don't look that bad, do I?

The makeup team comes over to me but I won't let them lay a hand on me. I braided my hair earlier before we went out hunting so it's good enough. I allow a light layer of makeup on my face to cover the scar Johanna left me with but when they try to do more, Haymitch tells them to piss off and I smile at him out of gratefulness.

"So what am I supposed to say?" I ask him.

"Whatever they tell you," he replies. I see the door open behind him and its Madge and Prim. I wave to Prim before returning my eyes back to Haymitch. "Did you tell them to come?"

"I thought it might help," he says. I wonder how but he just walks off over to Finnick.

Cressida calls me over. "Okay Katniss, now we want you to stand in front of the camera, and repeat what we tell you. Can you do that?"

No. "Yes," I say.

"Okay now, just repeat what I say," Fulvia says. And she starts rattling off words at a lightening pace. Most of them are just ridiculous slogans, like "Join the rebellion now," and "Fight beside the mockingjay". I can tell though that she's pretty proud of them though so I don't have the heart to tell her they stink. But no matter how I try, I cannot make them sound even remotely real. And everyone seems to realise it too.

After an hour of getting nowhere, Haymitch finally pulls me aside. "What are you doing?"

"This is bullshit," I tell him. "I can't do it."

"Katniss," he warns.

"This isn't me and you know it. I sound like a robot."

"Even that's being generous," Haymitch mutters. "Look, just ignore their words for a second. Ignore what they're telling you. Remember why you're doing this. Look around."

And so I do. I see Madge, who is smiling in her usual helpful manner. Her parents died because of Snow and The Capitol. She lost her whole family because of them. I see Finnick standing next to me. He's so broken and damaged, so…..like me. The one he loves is in danger because of him and he's dying just a little bit every day because of Snow.

I see Haymitch, who had everything taken away from him because he outsmarted them like I did. He lost his family and his girl, all because of The Capitol.

And then there's Prim, my little sister. The one who I swore to protect. The reason I went into the Games in the first place. I am doing this now so she can have a better life. So she never has to experience the kind of pain and heartache that I have.

Finally, I nod. "Okay, I can do this."

"Good," Haymitch says. He gives me a little shove forward. "Now, go."

This time, I stare down the barrel of the camera, imagining that it's just me and Gale, talking in the woods like we have for so many years. Just me and my best friend.

"There are no winners in a war like this. Just death. Just innocent people losing their lives. Because that's what the Capitol does. They kill, they make us suffer, just for their entertainment. We play in the Games for them, not for ourselves. Not for some sense of honour or pride for our district. It's just death. And if we don't dare to stand, we're just gonna fall. They'll take everything from us if we let them." A shaky breath flies out from my lips but if I don't keep going, I'll lose my nerve. "I don't want to let them take anything else from me. They've already taken too much."

There is silence. Utter and complete silence. Then Cressida signals to Pollux to cut the camera. "That was….good," she says. My hands have begun to shake a little and I stuff them into my pockets.

Haymitch steps forward. "Are you okay Katniss?"

"Just kind of woozy," I admit, though that's a bit of an understatement. My overtiredness has caught up with me and I feel like I could faint at any minute. "It's been a long day."

"You should go get some rest," Haymitch suggests. "You did good today kid."

"Yeah, yeah," I say. I look around him to Madge. "Can you make sure Prim gets home Madge?"

She nods. Finnick follows me out and together we head back up the stairs towards my apartment.

"You go rest Finnick," I tell him. "You're tired too." I can see it in his face. He is being slowly weened of morphling and it's proving difficult.

"Are you sure you can get back to your room alright?"

I give him a good natured push off balance. Finnick is in far worse physical shape than I am, and he's worried about me? "Go," I tell him, and after a moment's hesitation, he does. I continue ascending the levels, towards my apartment, and that is when I see her. I can't be sure from the back but there is something familiar about that mane of dark hair.

"Hazelle." She ignores my call and if anything starts to walk faster. I move my jelly-like legs faster too, just so I can catch up with her. I will not let her slip through my grasp.

"Hazelle please." She finally stops and turns around to face me. Her grey eyes are like steel, and there is none of the comfort or familiarity I have come to know from her. "I need to talk to you," I tell her.

"I think it's best if we don't talk for a while Katniss," she says and I wince – the words sting, more than I care to admit.

"I just wanted to let you know that they've sent out a rescue ship into The Capitol."

"I know. Haymitch told me." Hmm, did he now? Funny how he never mentioned he told you to me.

"What do you want me to say?" I blurt out in a panic, fearing I am losing my grasp on this conversation. "What can I say to you to make you forgive me?"

"There is nothing Katniss," she says, and her voice is so hauntingly empty, I fear this moment may be added to my growing list of nightmares. "It's not me you have to apologise to. It's not me whose forgiveness you have to beg for. It's Gale's. When he comes back, I want you to look him in the eye, and I want you to tell him that you've chosen Peeta. You need to take ownership for everything that's happened. That's all I want from you."

Easier said than done. It was hard enough to look Peeta in the eye, knowing that I had lost Gale's child. To look into Gale's eyes, break his heart even more so than I have done…..

I take a deep breath because she's right and there are so many conversations I have to have with both Gale and Peeta when they get back. I have to tell Peeta what I couldn't in the Games. I have to tell Gale that I love him, but not enough to spend the rest of my life with him. Not to be with him like that.

"Okay," I whisper, because I can't seem to will my voice to be louder. "I – I will."

Hazelle reaches a hand out and she takes mine in hers, holding it. I feel safe, secure but it's only for a second before she has retreated and left me all alone.

I head to the apartment and thankfully it's empty – my mother must still be at work. I lie down on my bed, daring to close my eyes. Somehow I do fall asleep. Images of Gale and Peeta float in and out of my slumber but most of my usual nightmares stay away. Hazelle's voice, distant and empty, calls out to me. I try to beg for her forgiveness but she just tells me that there is nothing I can do.

Eventually I wake to someone shaking me awake. I open my eyes, still disoriented but I can tell that it's Haymitch hovering over me. It's so dark now. I must have fallen asleep and slept right through most of the night.

I rub the sleep out of my eyes. "Haymitch, what's going on?" Then I bolt upright, knowing there could only be one reason for a midnight visit. "Are they back yet?"

"They are." His answer is too short, too brief. Something is wrong.

"Did they get them?" Silence. "Haymitch, don't do this to me. Just – just tell me. Please!"

Haymitch's eyes are bloodshot when they find mine. "They only got one of them."

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**Submit your guesses in your reviews!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Deliberated for a long time about who they rescued but I think for the sake of the story, I picked the right one. Hopefully you guys think so too :)**

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**Chapter 5**

Everything kind of feels like it is in slow motion. Sort of like when I tried to strangle Johanna. I can see everything happening around me but I am strangely disconnected from everything going on around me. Haymitch drags me out of bed and I blindly dress into some clothes in the semi-darkness.

"Katniss?" I look up and Prim is in the doorway, rubbing her eyes. My mother stands behind her, wide awake. I meet her eyes over Prim's head and hope she can read the panic in my eyes. "What's going on?" Prim asks, in a sleepy voice.

Haymitch throws me a look, warning me not to say anything yet before heading out the door. So I force an empty smile onto my face and stumble towards Prim. "Nothing little duck," I say, patting her head. "Go back to sleep. I'll be back soon."

My mother pushes Prim back to bed and follows me to the door. "What is it Katniss?" she asks in a low voice.

"They only saved one of them," I say, my voice breaking. I don't even try to pretend to be strong for her as I have done many for many years. I am over pretending that I don't feel. The arena didn't get me but will I survive this – knowing only one of two people I care most about in the world is safe?

"Who?" she asks.

"I don't even know," I admit. "And I'm not sure if I even want to." I open the door and Haymitch is standing on the other side, his brows furrowed in thought. My mother kisses the top of my head before the door closes on me.

Haymitch and I walk in silence downstairs. He doesn't say anything and I can't bring myself to ask. I have to see it with my own eyes. I keep a hand on his arm the whole time, my nails digging painfully into his skin. If it hurts him, he doesn't say anything. My heart thuds into my ribs. Each heartbeat has a different meaning. Gale. Peeta. Gale. Peeta.

We down to the very bottom level, where I have never been before. Up ahead, I can see Plutarch and Fulvia. "Ah Katniss," Plutarch greets a little uneasily as we reach them. Fulvia looks tense behind him, her lips pursed. "Glad you could make it."

His words infuriate me. Glad? Why on earth would I be glad to meet with any of them when I know they have damned the future of someone so important to me?

Haymitch turns to me, indicating the door. "You ready to go in?"

No. Far from it. But I nod jerkily and we are heading inside. This room is small, humid but it reveals a mirror to a conjoining room. I press my face against the glass, my breath coming rapidly, staring into this room.

There, sitting on a chair, his hair damp with sweat, pressed against his forehead, is Peeta.

* * *

I stay like that for a while, my face and hands pressed up against the mirror. Haymitch informs me that it is a two-way mirror and that he cannot see us. He sits so still, unblinking. It takes me a long time to realise he is chained to the chair.

I turn around and find that a few of District 13's doctors, including Dr Aurelius who has been treating me. "Why is he chained to the chair?" I ask. They all stop talking immediately, staring back at me in surprise, as if my presence has been invisible this entire time.

"He tried to stop them from rescuing him," Haymitch supplies.

"Stop them?" Why would Peeta not want to be rescued?

"He attacked us. Broke the arm of one of my squad members," pipes up a man from behind Haymitch and I recognise him as Boggs, one of Coin's trusty officers. I didn't even notice he was here until he spoke up now.

"Is he okay?" I ask, looking back at him. He is just staring off into air, looking blank and thoroughly unresponsive.

"He just seems a little confused," says Haymitch. He turns around and begins to speak with the doctors once more. I have become invisible again, I see.

"Can I have a word Miss Everdeen?" I turn and Boggs is staring expectantly at me. He opens the door and we leave the doctors and Haymitch discussing Peeta to head into the hallway.

I've never spoken to Boggs in my life. I've seen him around – in the dining hall, roaming the halls on guard, in meetings with Coin. He is at least a foot taller than me and built like a freight train and yet his face conveys some softness that his intimidating stature does not. He has blue eyes that are grey around the edges. Though they are nothing like Peeta's, they remind me automatically of him. Like most things do.

Boggs locks his hands behind his back. "I just wanted to apologise."

I wasn't expecting this. "Apologise?"

"I was in charge of the rescue squad. Gale was my responsibility." He clears his throat. "We already had Enobaria, Annie and Johanna. Just as we reached them, we came under heavy fire. Peeta was out of it. We couldn't even get him to come with us." Not hard to believe looking at him now.

Boggs continues. "Gale helped us to convince Peeta to follow us. He was the only one Peeta would listen to. We were trying to get them both out but Gale got hit. Nothing major," he adds when he sees the alarm in my eyes. "But we had to go ahead and leave. I didn't see what happened to him after."

I close my eyes. I can picture the scene in my mind. Even when Gale was supposed to be the victim, he still tried to be the hero, a warrior. Typical. The thought brought a sad smile to my face. "Thank you for telling me that."

He nods, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable at having nothing more to say. Luckily the door opens and Haymitch pokes his head out. "Not interrupting am I?"

"Not at all," Boggs answers. He bows his head to the both of us before taking off down the hallway. I follow Haymitch back inside.

Dr Aurelius stops mid-sentence and tunes his focus onto me. "We have been debating about how to treat Peeta Miss Everdeen."

I don't like the way he says 'treat'. "He's not the enemy," I say firmly.

"We know that," he says quickly, to stop me from jumping to conclusions. "But he just seems a bit disoriented."

"I know him best," I say frantically. "I – I need to see him."

"Katniss –"

"No, you listen to me. I have to see him. I will see him. You can try and stop me. I don't doubt that you can. But I promise you, I will not go down without a fight."

My threat hangs in the air. Haymitch just looks at me with half of a smirk, half a grimace, as though he knows too well my promise to follow through. Just like I did with the scratches on his face back on the ship.

"None of us were planning on stopping you Katniss," Dr Aurelius says. "Right this way."

I follow him out. I am glad I didn't have to resort to anything. I am still pretty ginger and weak these days, despite the fact I've spent most of my time in a hospital lately.

My head seems to only comprehend one thing. I am going to see Peeta. I am going to talk to Peeta. I am going to be able to touch Peeta. He is not dead. He is alive. He is here with me.

Dr Aurelius and I stop outside the door. He tells me to wait and I do, while he goes inside. He is only a minute before he emerges and tells me he has unlocked Peeta's chains.

"We'll be behind that mirror Katniss if you need us. Just be careful, okay?" He disappears and I stare after him in confusion for a moment. Be careful? Be careful of what? Of all the people who could hurt me, Peeta is the least likely.

I release a few breaths through my teeth before I open the door with a forceful hand. Peeta blinks in surprise and a wild smile takes over my face. Whatever has happened to him, he still looks like Peeta. My Peeta.

He stands up slowly and we stare at each other for a long time. Everything I have been dreaming of saying to him since I last saw him swirls around in my head but none of those words seem to want to rise to the surface.

Then Peeta rushes towards me and for a stupid second, I think he is opening his arms up to me. That he is going to hold me and kiss me and tell me that he never stopped loving me. But then his mouth flattens and his eyes go cold, and before I can react, he is pinning me against the wall, an arm across my neck.

"Peeta," I gasp, my air supply becoming dangerously low.

"Shut up slut," he hisses, and his forearm tightens against my neck. My arms are stuck awkwardly between our two bodies. His other hand is pressed against my thigh, fingers close to my hip. He looks down and then back up, his mouth curled into a sadistic grin. He leans in and grazes his teeth down my neck. I shiver, deciding whether or not I like this sensation despite this horrible situation. "You like that, don't you?" he whispers. "Me touching you like this. Did Gale touch you like this too?"

I spit in his face in reply. Peeta lets go of me with a feral snarl and falls back, hissing in anger and swiping at his face. Before his head can rear back up, I lift my knee into his stomach. He groans and doubles over, dropping to his knees. The door opens and Haymitch enters with thirteen's doctors behind him. They go to Peeta while I'm in the corner, struggling to breathe still. No one bothers to see how I am though; because all of a sudden Peeta is the victim and I'm the heartless bitch again.

"Bout freakin' time," I croak, massaging my throat. Haymitch takes me by the arm and leads me out. "What the hell was that?"

Haymitch lets go of me and I struggle to keep my footing, half stumbling into the wall. "He's not….the same Katniss."

"What's wrong with him? Why is he acting like that?"

"They did things to him in the Capitol."

"Things? What –" I'm starting to feel dizzy. Maybe it is Peeta half-strangling me to death or dealing with the fact that everything is horrible wrong.

"Look, let's just give it time. He's been through a lot. It'll take some time to recover." I lean back against the wall and slide to the floor, my breathing coming out unevenly. I stare back at the door, and I can hear Peeta struggling and the scuffle of footsteps and a yelp and a groan. Then it's pretty quiet.

Haymitch says to give it time. But I sit here and I wonder…

How much time?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Haymitch keeps me away from Peeta as much as he can. But sometimes I sneak in to see him in the hospital where they have moved him. He's on his own floor (special, right?) and usually there is a guard or two keeping watch. There is about a minute between the changing of guards and it is during this minute that I peer through the glass door to look at Peeta. He is almost always chained to his bed, unable to see me watching him. I wonder just how much he has changed for them to view him as a serious threat. I mean, I know he kind of attacked me but he can't be too dangerous, can he?

Dr Aurelius says they 'hijacked' him. I'm not sure exactly what it means but from his explanation, they've injected him with tracker jacker venom to make him hallucinate and distort his memories of me, Haymitch and everyone else, hence why he tried to strangle me.

Apparently he now views me as a threat. Ironic, considering the first time we properly interacted at the Games it was me who thought of him this way.

Finnick transforms into an entirely different person with the return of Annie. He is not the broken man I have been forcing to survive in 13 nor the cocky, almost arrogant victor from the Quell but a man who radiates life. A man who smiles and laughs, and there is nothing more genuine in the entire world than this.

He introduces me to Annie as his friend, the one who made it possible for them to be together. I mutter that his thanks are unnecessary as he stares like a lovesick fool at her. Annie cocks her head at me, examines me for a moment before throwing her arms around me in a big Finnick-like hug. Finnick laughs at me and I glare at him over my shoulder, before I am laughing too. His joy is infectious, and despite everything going on with Peeta, I have to feel happy for him because he risked his life for me and this rebellion and he deserves this wild, unescapable happiness.

Annie is, in the nicest way I can put it, mad. She zones out in the middle of sentences, stares up into space, covers her ears against invisible voices. But Finnick brings her back, kisses her forehead, and she returns to the earth once again.

My mother and Prim try to busy me with minute things to keep my mind off of things. Prim tries to get me to stick to my schedule as much as possible but usually I'm just hiding out in a storage closet on the third floor, underneath a pile of rags. It's small and warm and kind of homey.

I just sit in there and think. Most of the time I am consumed with 'what if's'. What if I had never slept with Gale? What if Peeta and I had been rescued from the arena? What if I had never lost the baby?

I am haunted by these 'what if's.'

Three days after Peeta's rescue, I am heading to the closet to hide out for a few hours when I see a boy at the end of the hall. He looks roughly fourteen, grey eyes, dark hair, olive skin – typical seam kid. But these grey eyes are more familiar than most.

The boy sees me just as I see him. I expect him to turn and run away from me, just like his mother would. But instead, he comes towards me and I find myself moving to greet him too.

"Hey Katniss," he says, and his voice is warmer than I deserve.

"Rory," I acknowledge, bowing my head. Rory Hawthorne is growing to be more like his brother by the day. He's just about as tall as me, and is filling out into his once gangly body quite nicely. "I just want to say how sorry I –"

"Don't apologise Katniss, it's okay," he butts in, and there is a very tired smile on his face. "That soldier guy, Boggs, came and explained what happened. He's too darn brave for his own good that Gale." He tries to say it with a hint of a laugh but he fails miserably.

"How's your mother?" I ask as conversationally as possible.

Rory sighs, as if there is no good way to start explaining how Hazelle feels about her oldest son still in the hands of The Capitol. "Dealing," he answers, and I note how careful he is not to say anything else.

I want him to pass on my many apologies to her, how sorry I am that Gale was left behind. But instead I don't say any of that. I just say, "If I hear anything else, I'll let you know Rory, okay?"

"Thanks," he says with a nod. He takes a step back but he stops from taking another, eyes on the ground. "Katniss?"

"Yes?"

He lifts his head and looks me square in the eyes. "I'm sorry about the baby."

We look at each other for a very long time. I try to read into his gaze. There seems to be some wondering in those grey orbs. He doesn't seem to certainly know that Gale was the father of my unborn child but I know a part of him suspects. I wonder if he believes I would ever admit the truth out loud, which I haven't to anyone. Everyone still believes it was Peeta's baby and I intend to keep it that way.

"Thank you," I say quietly. A muscle in his face twitches and he gives me a parting glance as he walks away.

I wait until he has fully disappeared. I don't feel like hiding out in the closet anymore. I know there is someone else I should probably visit. Someone I've been avoiding.

So I descend the staircase to the hospital. Luckily my mother isn't at the front desk; she's probably off diagnosing someone. I head to my old room, where a new patient has taken over my bed and my morphling drip.

She looks up when she sees me, and there is this stupid sort of grin on her face. There are a few cuts and scars on her arms but she still looks the same.

"Well, well. I was wondering if you were ever coming around."

I grimace. "Be glad I don't try and strangle you again." Strangely, the idea does not have great appeal after Peeta tried to do the same thing to me.

Johanna Mason laughs, short and sharp. "As if you could ever do that Twelve."

* * *

"So, come here to mend our friendship?" Johanna asks, lying back in her bed. She runs a hand over her head which is missing patches of hair, like it has been ripped out in fistfuls.

"Not in the slightest," I say tartly. "I haven't forgotten this." I lift a strand of my hair to show her the almost gone scar from when she hit me over the head to knock me out. "Or this." I roll up my sleeve and show her the much worse jagged wound above my elbow.  
She examines it with a smirk. "Makes you look like a warrior, Mockingjay."

"Don't," I warn. The word sounds even worse coming from her.

Johanna sighs as the morphling in her system increases. "Seriously, let's just put all that stuff behind us, be girlfriends or whatever they're saying these days."

I snort derisively. "Whatever." I am standing at the end of her bed, my hands clenched around the railing of her bed. Johanna's eyes are half-closed, and she is breathing deeply, her shallow chest moving up and down. She looks even thinner than when I saw her last in the quell.

"I wanted to say thanks," I say abruptly and Johanna opens one of her eyes to raise an eyebrow. "I know everything you did in the arena was for the rebellion, and well, for me too. So, uh thanks."

Johanna cracks another smile. "Wow, you're thanking me for mutilating your arm and knocking you out? No problem. I'd be happy to do it again some other time."

"Don't push it," I say, and judging by the clock on the wall, my minute to see Peeta is coming up. "I have to go, but I might be back."

"I'll be waiting anxiously," she says sarcastically, closing her eyes again. "Say hi to Peeta for me."

I stop in the doorway at his name, turning my head back around. Johanna hasn't opened her eyes, so maybe she doesn't know how much the mention of his name has affected me.

"I'm not really allowed to talk to him," I admit.

"He's not….right at the moment Katniss," she says softly, and it is the first genuine sounding thing I have ever heard out of her mouth. "What they did to him, to us….." A shudder ripples through her body and she reaches a hand down to tighten her sheet around herself. "It wasn't…it was just…." I wait for her to finish her sentence but I realise that the morphling drip has emptied into her system and she's gone under completely. So I cover her fragile body completely with the sheet and quietly close the door behind me.

When I head down to Peeta's floor, there are no guards in front of his door. Only Haymitch. I try to get out of the way as quickly as possible but he sees me unfortunately.

"Did you seriously think you would get away with this?" he barks. "I didn't take you for being so stupid."

I step away from behind the corner. There is no point hiding anymore. Not now. "Well, I've been hanging around you too long. It's catching on."

"There are cameras everywhere," he says, pointing out the camera on each corner. I look up, surprised I didn't see them before. As if my hunter senses didn't pick up on them. How the mighty have fallen.

"Then why didn't stop me?" I ask curtly, trying to peer over his shoulder at Peeta. He sees the movement of my eyes though and steps sideways until I can see nothing.

"Trust me, it was on my mind but Plutarch convinced me tying you to your bed was a bit extreme," he comments dryly. He jerks his head towards the door. "He's been asking for you."

That gets my attention. "Really?" At least he wants to talk to me. That's a good sign, isn't it? "Now?" Haymitch nods and my hands goes immediately to the handle. But his hand is around my wrist before I can push it down.

"We'll be watching on the other side, just in case. But he is chained up. We thought it was best after….last time."

"You mean when he tried to strangle me?"

"Yep that's the one." He parts and I take a deep, steadying breath before I enter. Peeta is sitting on a chair inside the room. There is a chain around his waist keeping him fixed on the chair and his hands sit in handcuffs, resting on the table. There is a chair on the other side, for me I suppose, so I sit down in it, grateful for the space between him and I.

Peeta watches me with wary, guarded eyes. Unlike last time, his hair has been pulled off his face. He has been put into some fresh clothes, his skin scrubbed and cleaned. I can see all the angry, fresh scars on his arms and the one just below his hairline that weren't visible before under the dirt and grime.

I avoid his stare, choosing to look instead down into my lap. I knot my fingers together, anxiously playing with the creases along my pants. I don't know where to start and I just have to hope he speaks first.

"Sorry," he finally says, though he doesn't sound sorry at all. If anything, he's almost sarcastic. "Bout last time."

"It's okay," I mumble, finally looking up at him. He stares with those blue, clear eyes and it's like he can see right through me. "It happens."

Peeta's eyes are empty when he speaks next, his voice like ice. "You destroyed District 12. You tried to kill me. You killed my family."

I try to swallow but it is like there is a lump in my throat. "No, I – I didn't."

"They've been trying to tell me that," he says with a nod of his head towards the mirror, and I realise he knows that we are being watched right now. "But there are memories inside my head and they say otherwise. You're just one of those rebels, just like Haymitch. Neither of you ever gave a damn about me."

"They've messed with your mind Peeta. To turn you against us."

Peeta snorts and his handcuffs clink at the metal lining of the table between us. "Try and tell me you didn't fuck Gale. I know that's true."

I flinch at his harsh, blunt words. They strike deeper than anything else. Worse than anything Hazelle or Haymitch could ever say. Because it comes from him, the one whose opinion I care about the most.

"I did," I say, and his hands tighten into fists. I am instantly wary of making him angry right now but we have to have this conversation – we've never had the chance to before. "And I shouldn't have done that."

Peeta closes his eyes and I watch him curiously. Then suddenly he rears forward, until he is as far as he can be on his chains. "Are you sure? Or should you have never slept with me?"

That moment flashes before my eyes in a couple of heartbeats. "What we did…..I don't regret one moment. I love you."

He reacts like this is the worst thing I could ever say to him. "Well that's where different. I do regret it. Sleeping with you was the biggest mistake of my life. As if I could ever love someone like you, as if I could ever forgive you for being pregnant with his kid."

Before he can even sit back in his seat, I am on my feet, leaving without any idea how I am moving or breathing. I don't know where I am going but I have to walk, get away. Now.

I am storming down the hall when I hear a voice call out after me. "Everdeen!" It's Haymitch of course. "Katniss!"

I finally stop, not just because of him, but because I'll probably collapse if I keep moving. I lean back against the wall and Haymitch catches up to me.

He stands against the wall opposite me and I wait for him to say something because I'm sure I can't.

Finally, he says, "It was Gale's baby." He doesn't say it as a question, just a clarifying statement. What he already knows now.

We haven't talked about it. Ever. Not since I got back. A few people from Thirteen who made an effort to talk to me every now and then have expressed their sadness over my miscarriage but most don't mention it, knowing it is a sensitive topic. Everyone assumes it was Peeta's baby. After all, he made the announcement that we were already married and pregnant without even knowing how true it was. No one but Hazelle knows. Not even my mother or Prim who know not to ask me about it.

"Yeah," I get out, and I sound so pathetic that I hate myself.

"He's gonna come back Katniss. I know it," he says. He heaves a sigh and lifts a hand to rub the back of his head. "Come on, let's go." He hesitantly puts an arm around me, as though he is just as uncomfortable with human contact as I am.

We walk awkwardly down the hallway, almost holding each other. Haymitch reeks of alcohol but I need someone to keep me upright. He takes me into a room on the level above, where Plutarch and Fulvia are sitting inside, watching television. Plutarch looks up, worry on his round face.

"Haymitch. Katniss." He tries for a smile but Fulvia makes no such attempt. She bites her lip, pacing the room, the picture of anxiousness.

My eyes go to the television and I see Snow on the screen. I am flooded with things – the smell of blood and roses, snakelike eyes, stretched skin. I move closer to the television to hear the volume that is far too low but Plutarch rises from his seat to stand in front of me.

"Look, we have to tell you something important."

"Just let me watch the broadcast," I say, trying to lean around Plutarch, who is getting on my last nerve.

Haymitch tries to get my attention. "Katniss, just wait –"

I hold a hand up to silence him and he throws his own hands up in frustration, walking off to the corner, stamping his feet.

I sit down in front of the television and Snow stares down the barrel of the camera. "By order of the Capitol, escaped prisoner Gale Hawthorne of District 12 – if found – is to be killed on sight."


	7. ATTENTION!

hey guys!

feels like a year since I've been on here and it might actually be close to that too :(

But I do have a good reason for ignoring my unfinished fics (waiting for the night to come and the mockingjay of district 13)

I have decided to concentrate on my own writing as it is something I seriously want to do as a career, so with writing a handful of books at a time, playing soccer, working and having a social life, something had to give - and unfortunately it was my fics.

I've loved writing fanfiction and loved even more hearing your thoughts and reading your reviews. FF made me realise how much I love doing this so its time for me to concentrate on making my dreams happen.

So this means that it is unlikely I will ever get to finish my currently unfinished THG fics and for this I am sorry.

For now, a new chapter begins. In twenty four hours, my book 'The Writer' will be available on Amazon for purchase and I can't freakin wait :D

It's going to be a slow process but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. If you're interested, you can buy it and have a read :)

Thanks for everyone who has followed, reviewed, favourited or simply taken the time out of their day to read my stories. I may see you back on fanfiction again one day ;)

- Julia

Link to my book if you wanna buy it :) or just have a look at the sample to see if its your kind of book - The-Writer-ebook/dp/B00A3LXO0Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352529461&sr=8-1&keywords=julia+festa


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